


Safe in My Arms

by acrazyworldofdreams



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Friends to Lovers, Illnesses, Jaemin and Renjun Mentioned, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt, Taking Care of Someone, carer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 15:38:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16098638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: As I pull into the drive, the first thing I notice is that the lights are off. Not a good sign. I know he’s home, considering the last message I got, read “Can’t face food.”. Anytime he got so bad that he couldn’t even eat, I knew I would need to step in. It was almost like our own personal bat signal. He mentioned food, and I would leap into action.Mark visits Jeno to feed him, and other things.





	Safe in My Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Love exploring unusual pairings of NCT Dream :) Enjoy! Let me know your fave one.

As I pull into the drive, the first thing I notice is that the lights are off. Not a good sign. I know he’s home, considering the last message I got, read “Can’t face food.”. Anytime he got so bad that he couldn’t even eat, I knew I would need to step in. It was almost like our own personal bat signal. He mentioned food, and I would leap into action.

I’d picked up some of his favourites on the way over, plus some healthier stuff for his fridge and cupboards. By this point, he will most likely have run out of food and the idea of leaving the house will probably be terrifying.

Over the years I’ve known Jeno each time this happened I got to know a bit more about how it felt for him, and how best I could help him. He never outright asked for my help though. I think the idea he can’t cope with it by himself destroys him inside, so a few years a go I just started getting him sorted, without really asking for permission to do it. I even got a key cut.

That episode, two years ago, had been the scariest, because I’d been in another country on a student exchange when it happened, and I almost noticed too late. When he’d stopped responding to any of my messages, I panic called Jaemin and Renjun and forced them to go around and check on him.

Later when they told me about his condition with ashen faces, I’d barely been able to sleep afterwards. They’d found him in bed barely alive having stopped drinking all together and was literally fading away. I’d flown back immediately and taken a month off from school to move in and take care of him.

If it were up to me, I never would have left, but he made me move out again. He lived too far away from my college, and it was hard for me to keep up with my life. I only agreed, because he promised to text me everyday and to let me know if he wasn’t ok. Thankfully it’s been manageable over the past two years and this is the first time he’s called for me in six months in this way.

It makes me a bit scared.

 _“Hey”_ I call into the darkness and hear a faint reply from the living room. When I enter, I see him lying on the floor in the darkness with only the bright light on his phone screen appearing every few seconds. _“You hungry?”_ I ask. He nods and pulls himself up.

Jeno looks worn out, but at the same time, as if he’s slept for hours. This is his usual look when he’s going through this because he can’t leave the house much, if at all, and so ends up either sleeping or watching marathon’s Netflix shows. Thus the tired, rested look.

Once he explained how television shows allow him to check out of his own mind. How they enabled him to fully absorb himself into what he watching, and for a while relieve himself of the burden of the emptiness of his mind. But the downside he told me was when the show ended, the come down was hell. Often making him cry and fall in a little deeper.

I carry the bags into the kitchen and start to pull out his favourite mac and cheese, plus gherkins. It’s a weird combination but he adores it and I adore him. Plus his favourite latte with caramel syrup, which I picked up from Starbucks on the way over.

For dessert I got him some chocolate brownies with the gooey caramel in the centre. I can’t help myself when it comes to him it seems. His eyes light up if only by a bit when he sees what I came with. Jeno nestles in behind me to give me a back hug.

I know what I do for him, means the world to him, and to be honest he means the world to me, so he doesn’t need to thank me, but I accept his thank you hug graciously, and let him sit down to dive in.

He eats slowly. He seems groggy, and I watch for any of the usual signs that he might have taken something. I can’t help myself. He notices and lets me know he hasn’t. I go to apologise, and he tells me not to and that it’s a fair question. I have the right to ask. I hate that I do.

I squeeze his arm and tell him to eat it up before it goes cold. He complies, and tucks in again. Smiling his eye smile at me, when he realises where I went to get the food. I really can’t help giving him everything, he deserves it. It’s not his fault he’s unwell. So many times he’s told me how he hates being wrong, and how he wishes he could just change himself. I try to tell him there’s nothing to fix. That he only needs to take care of himself, or to let someone else do it.

It’s an age-old argument between us, but presently we’ve found a balance we can both live with. He does however still cutely scrunch his nose up at all the food I’ve brought him, but he doesn’t say anything out loud. Too darn right. I need to make sure he’s eating, especially whilst I’m out tomorrow and Friday. He’s knows he’s got me for the next few days, and thankfully he’s resigned his fate.

Secretly I enjoy these periods of time when I can shameless spend as much time with him as possible. It’s pathetic, and somewhat sad, but I love being able to snuggle up with him on the sofa, whilst we watch a movie, or at night, when I get to crawl into his bed, and guiltily pull him into my arms. I try to think he needs it, but I’m not sure who needs it more at this point.

If I thought he would let me do this every night, I would never leave this house. We had an almost something a few years ago, when I thought he might love me back, but he rejected me. It hurt so badly, and it was part of the reason I applied to the student exchange programme. As you know that didn’t turn out well for him, or me, in the long run. Life without Jeno isn’t really something I will consider, even if I can’t be with him. I’ve long since decided to just take care of him, and never put him in that position again.

Tonight isn’t very different from the times before. Once I clear up his dinner stuff, we snuggle up in front of his tv. This time he’s put on a movie, something about a girl who’s written a lot of letters. I’m not really watching it, instead I’m enjoying the feeling of his skin on mine. I feel disgusted with myself that I enjoy this so much, when he’s obviously in so much pain, or not pain, as he once told me. Again I brush it off. I’m not really sure how I live with myself.

Jeno told me what it actually feels like when he gets like this. That it feels like the absence of feelings. Where you can’t really feel anything at all, and your whole body and mind is checked out from reality. Nothing sways you either way, and you just feel the deadness inside. There isn’t any life to hold on to. And it’s not that you want to die, but you just want to feel something, anything and what drives you the craziest is you can’t get away from it.

I never want to feel, or not feel, anything like that.

I remind myself he needs me, and I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve never tried to put my feelings onto Jeno. Not since then.

Somewhere in the middle of the film Jeno pauses it and turns to me with a questioning look on his face. It looks like he has something to say. Something he’s been thinking about. I worry instantly. I don’t like Jeno overthinking things. It often leads to difficult situations.

_“Mark”_

_“Yes, Jeno”_

_“Why do you keep coming and fixing me when I’m so broken?”_ My brain fries out immediately. How could he ask that question. I want to get annoyed. I want to cry. I want to do a thousand things, but I remind myself, this in itself is part of the illness. Not feeling worthy. Questioning everything. I tell him the truth.

 _“Because I can’t live in the world without you.”_ It’s honest, perhaps more honest than I’ve ever been with him, but anything less and he would know. He may not be 100% right now, but he knows me pretty well too.

_“Oh. You know I don’t think I would have a world without you.”_

I suck in a breath, which is sharp due to the surprise. Jeno’s never talked about his feelings in regard to me before. We’ve not spoken a word of it, since that night over two and a half years ago.

_“I want to say that’s not true, but I won’t lie. I hope I’ve helped you survive, and I want you to know I will never stop being here for you. It will never be too much of a burden, or something I don’t want to do. You always come first.”_

Jeno looks away from me for a moment, and in his side profile, I see tears threatened to spill out from under his closed eyelids. They bubble slightly underneath the surface, I think he’s trying to hold them in, but I know he won’t be able to. This state tends to make him more vulnerable to his changing emotions.

_“I’m sorry Jeno was that too much. I didn’t mean to upset you.”_

He replies after a few moments of silence between us. _“It’s okay. All this time I thought I was putting enough space between us for you to go and get yourself a life, only to find I am the life you chose. I think I’ve been a bit too self-sacrificing.”_

His words make no sense, and complete sense, all at once. I think back to his rejection. He never once said I don’t care for you, or I don’t love you back. It was all pretty much, I can’t be with you. It adds up now. Jeno was trying to protect me from him.

I speak up, ready to tell Jeno my truth again, hoping he won’t knock me back this time. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

_“Jeno, I know you think you’re broken and I’m only here to fix you, but you’re so much more than your illness. Did you know you scrunch your nose when you’re annoyed by something? Or that you secretly sing along to all the songs in the Disney movies we watch? Or how you pretend to hate marshmallows but always steal mine when you don’t think I’m looking?_

_I love everything about you, including your illness because it’s a part of who you are. I don’t need you to fix yourself. I just need to be part of your life, and I want to take care you. Just as you take care of me when you send me encouraging messages each day or always look up my match scores. We take care of each other in different ways. I love you so much.”_

Jeno’s looking at me again, but this time with a small smile on his lips and on a day like today, when Jeno’s not feeling his best, it’s the equivalent of a broad grin. I feel elated, but it’s the next moment which really takes my breath away.

_“Mark, I love you too. Do you wanna move back in?”_

It takes me about 3 seconds to reply, and even less time to pull him back safe into my arms, where he belongs forever and always.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think - thoughts on writing/general feedback always appreciate. Helps keep the fanfic flame burning... :) So sad promotions are over with Mark wahhhhhhhhhhhhh :(


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